Goodbye!!

I am writing my last blog entry not because I don't want to be part of this wonderful community but because I can't be judged anymore. People who supposedly know me and "care" for me are concerned. They are concerned I am depressed and apparently have issues. That is not the case at all. I have felt so much better since starting this blog. Not only because I get my emotions out but because I get to listen and learn from others. I plan to continue to read others but will no longer be writing. I guess I get to go back to leaving my feelings in my head and paper for only me to read.
Thank you to everone who has supported me in the blogging world and in my real world. You have made this so much easier. Im sorry to those who don't think my healing is appropriate for the situation.
Goodbye and thank you again

love
Kort

2010 is gonna be our year

I'm not sure where this optimism is coming from but I am glad that it has arrived. I feel like I am taking control of things again. It makes me feel better that I am once again taking an active role in this process. I really feel like 2010 is going to be our year. We are going to have our baby finally and my void is going to be filled.
I can just imagine myself being pregnant again and it brings a smile to my face. Being pregnant is the most exciting and amazing feeling I have ever had. I really did have the pregnancy glow and I dream of that again. I am of course very scared to be pregnant again but I have faith. I have faith that my baby is going to survive and I will be holding a newborn this year.
Here is to a better life in 2010. I am ready for changes and I am ready to say goodbye to 2009, the hardest year I have ever had. I will not miss 2009!

The new year

Well the new year is coming fast and everyone is putting out their new years resolutions. I refuse to make resolutions because they never come true. Instead I plan on giving you a vision of our next year ahead of us. There is no pressure to fulfill my resolutions because lets be honest, a lot of it is out of my hand.
I envision a happy year full of blessings and for once, happiness. We will still be on the journey to make our family bigger. We will continue to take steps to help us. First off we are back to temperatures every morning, lots of charting, and if we need to meds will be taken. We will not be sad that we are needing help but rather thankful for the medication. We will get those 2 pink lines and begin the pregnancy journey again. This time we have more knowledge then we have ever had. This time around we will have a doctor who is supportive, a healthier body full of healthier food, and some progestrone to help keep the pregnancy going. This is going to be our year and next year we will celebrating our first Christmas with our first child or maybe two or three :)
I also envision continued success at my job. I know that I will become more knowledgeable and do great things for the ladies I serve. Lance will also find happiness in his job. He will find a job that brings him joy, not anxiety. Of course these jobs will bring us money and we will do better on saving and not spending frivilously. We will be preparing to buy a home and have our own space, of course it will have a nursery because we will need one of those :)
So you see these aren't hopes or resolutions...these are things that will happen and are our visions for our year. We don't have to feel any pressure to meet deadlines. We will just live the life we want to live and be happy doing so. 2010 will be our year to shine and put our grief behind us. Please join me while I continue to blog about our lives, whether its good or bad I will continue to write about it and share it with anyone who wants to be part of it. I can't believe how special this blogging has become to me. Thank you all for sharing my life with me.

just when I thought I could deal with Christmas...

I was finally getting to the point that Christmas wasn't going to be that bad. That is until old man winter reared his ugly head. We are in a blizzard and Lance and I can't get home. Lance is at work till 7 tonight so I have set around all day wishing things could be different! Christmas is so hard anyways but put this on top of it and it makes it feel unbearable. I am glad I went to the store and got a ham and lots of fixings so we could have a good Christmas meal. Not to mention....plenty of wine to help us out a bit!
It always seems like I am bitching and bitching....maybe things will be better in the new year and I have more happy things to talk about.

tomorrow...a day that should be different than it is

Well, tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is December 23, 2009. The due date of baby test #1 only 1 year ago. The day I was supposed to become a mommy. The day my dreams were supposed to come true. This day is not supposed to be sad, but yet it is. Tomorrow is the day that I remember what I don't have and what I yearn for with every breath I take. Tomorrow is the day that I should be planning a one year olds birthday. But I am not. Instead I am sitting with tears running down my face and wondering.....
There is a lot of things I wonder about.....but mostly why this has to happen to us. Why I have to be babyless. I hate having a pity party but since I am not having a birthday party I am going to continue on with my pity party.
I am saddened by our circumstances and saddened by all those women who share my pain. Who would have known that I would be an infertile living in a fertile world. Who would have thought that holding a baby no longer brings a smile but rather a tear. Who would have thought others good news would bring my anger.
Today I started taking my temps again. I hadn't done my temps since we conceived baby test #1 in March 2008. I felt a little excited because it felt like maybe this would happen again and we would get another chance but the other part of me felt anxious. I don't want to make babymaking a chore or a job and thats what temperatures, meds, calendars, and ovulation predictor kits does to us. We take on a JOB. This is a job that I know all to well. I hope this job is just temporary and I will see those 2 pink lines soon. I yearn for that excitement again but then I also dread it because I know the worry and anxiety that follows.
I am full of emotions and I am hoping that the day flies by tomorrow. I am also hoping that friends and family remember this day. I am guessing most won't and that makes it harder. My babies should not EVER be forgotten but unfortuneatly many have forgotten in such a short time. I am grateful for the people who understand and remember because those are the people who matter in this world....so....THANK YOU!!! Thank you for loving me and standing by me. I will need you next to me as I trudge through this damn day that was supposed to be so happy but rather is so sad.....

dr visit

There are people in this world that are meant to be near you and I can honestly say my doctor is one of those. I called him on Friday to ask his nurse about my super long cycles of 45-60 days.He said he wanted to see me immediately so I got an appointment for Monday (today). He has a way of relaxing me. We talked for a long time. Our plan of attack as of right now is to take a progestrone pill every day from day 20 to 29 in the attempt to trick my body to get back to normal. I am also to start taking my temperatures again and for this month to do the ovulation predictor kits (only because i haven't been doing my temps all month). I have to watch my cycle pretty close so if I do ovulate when I am supposed to then I can stop taking the progestrone. It seems so confusing but he made me feel a lot better. He feels like I will be pregnant within 3 months but if I am not we are going to the next step. The next step is start fertility meds! After the first miscarriage I did one round of clomid. We only did one cycle because we got scared and decided to relax and wait. I am excited about this option and for once think that it is going to happen for us. I am ready for this...but scared to death of more sadness.

Glueten free diet?

I have been reading some people's blogs about a glueten free diet to increase fertility. Upon some research I have found that I have a lot of symptoms of glueten allergy and this in turn can cause miscarriages and infertility. Does anyone know anything about this, or are on a glueten free diet, or know any books I should read about this? Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!